Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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