Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
