I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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