she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
