dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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