Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
