woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
