I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
