I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You can't motorboat a personality
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
