I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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