I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
