Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
