I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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