only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
