I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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