hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
