When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
