Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
