During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
