Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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