Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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