i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
