State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
