Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
