I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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