You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
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