Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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