At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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