Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
