You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
