From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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