You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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