life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
