cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
