Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
