Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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