I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
