I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
