I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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