just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize