True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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