I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize