I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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