My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
