there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
