Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
