During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
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