I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
