don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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