i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize
