if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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