I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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