I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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