i permit you to call me
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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