Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
