I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
We need to rekindle our bromance
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
