walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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