Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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