That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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