Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
