i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Actions speak louder than pants.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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